So, I led an outreach to India for 7 weeks with 4 students of the MAD DTS (Music Arts and Dance Discipleship Training School).
It was incredible. Absolutely incredible.
Some of you have heard the stories that made our time there so incredible. I'd like to put forth the heart process that stole the cake in my eyes. Honestly, I love seeing the fruit of God coming out in ministry, but when He does something completely transformational, more than just one-off event, it brings joy like nothing else.
So here's my story.
The first week being in India I was looking for the Kingdom to come in power. We were with a local youth group that were so zealous for the Lord. These guys have such passion for God, it was humbling. They were on their break from school and instead of using that time to play games, go visit places or even rest, they chose to plan a week in villages where many had never heard the gospel of the Kingdom or known the love of Jesus. That's astonishing to me!
But in our earnest desire to see signs and wonders, we missed something crucial.
The Lord spoke to me one morning through 1 Corinthians 2:2--"For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." I didn't get it at first. But as I began to pray, I realized that something was wrong in me. You see, I had subconsciously started to believe that my sonship in Him must be proved by signs and wonders. I thought that if I prayed harder, was greater in faith, that I would earn the right to minister in the power of the Spirit.
Paul declares, that His one concern was Jesus Christ and all the implications of Jesus' crucifixtion. I began to repent seeing that I was not placing Jesus at the center of it all. I was trying to earn the Kingdom, which is impossible. His love, His Spirit and His Kingdom are given in grace.
I shared with my team my conviction and we all fell into the same conviction, praying and repenting. Then we shared with our translators (the local youth) and they responded in the same way.
The next day I preached the gospel, I shared a story and we invited any who were hungry to receive the love of Christ. Many responded. It was at that moment as I began to pray with those, who in brokenness recognized their need for a Savior, that I realized the power in 1 Corinthians 2:2. When we give Jesus His rightful place in our hearts, every thing else falls into line. We preached Jesus and Him crucified and then the blind were healed, the deaf ears were opened and the demons fled the bodies of those who were tormented.
A couple of weeks later I was still meditating on this verse. Something about it was shattering all my ideas and theology that was founded on anything but Jesus. One morning, I was so frustrated. I just didn't understand why I was making mistakes. Judging, comparing, even lusting at times towards others. How could I experience His Kingdom and still fail so miserably at resisting sin?
He spoke to me the next morning as I began to lead worship. I saw a picture of myself and I was covered in dirty rags. Jesus came to me and began to take away the rags and He began to robe me in new bright, shining clothing. It hit me and I began to weep in my confession and I said something to this extent: 'Guys, I have been so self-righteous. I've been trying to do it all on my own-- the miracles, resisting sin, being a good leader. For some reason, I think that I can earn righteousness.. For some reason I think I can earn gifts from God.. But Jesus is not only the author of my faith.. He is the perfecter. He is my righteousness.." We began to sing to Him, and this time the words of our worship sank so deeply into my heart as I realized the incredible grace He has towards me..
I remember there was one day in particular that in the morning I was full of cynicism and judgement. I repented, and even though I didn't feel like it, I had the responsibility of leading worship later that evening. As I led, the presence of God entered the room so powerfully. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, "I don't deserve this.. I sinned in the morning and Father comes to me in the evening.."
Another time, a similar thing happened but the Lord chose to use me to bring inner healing to girls who had been badly wounded by men in their past, who had been lied to about their beauty and worth. As I prayed over them the Lord spoke so clearly, leading me throughout the process and the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "I don't deserve this. I am a failure and Father uses me to love on His children."
Towards the end of my time in India the phrase came to me in the morning, "Unmerited Favor." I've come to find that is the definition of grace. He started to reveal to me, that despite my failures and faults His affection is so great for me and for His children He will use me even in my weakest, most vulnerable moments.
I am undeserving, but grace says, "You didn't earn this, it's freely given because I love you."
I look back on the 7 weeks and I see a journey with the finger prints of God all over it. People were set free. People came to know Christ' love in powerful ways. People were healed, physically and emotionally. In the past, I would've given myself a pat on the back and been like, "Job well done. What's next?" But now I can't help but remain in awe of Him. How He honors me! How He blesses me! How He loves me!
I mean, I don't even get it sometimes. I can be such a wretch, such a failure and He calls me Beloved. What's up with that? It doesn't make any logical sense, but I guess His love goes deeper than what we know or see.
I wrote this song one evening to try and get out in words what I was feeling. Here are the words:
"You take this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh
You take this broken man and make me one who is whole
You break all my fears and make me a child of God
And you give love everlasting
All praise, all honor, all glory belongs to You!
All I see is sinfulness but you see a child worth loving
All I see is wickedness but you see a child worth dying for
All I see are mighty giants but you see the courage of David
All praise, all honor, all glory belongs to You!
You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies!"
That last line, "You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies!" pretty well sums up in a picture what my heart is feeling right now. Picture what I'm picturing:
You're all alone. You're covered in battle wounds, your armor is falling off, your arm is almost dead with the weight of the sword you're carrying and you've almost lost all hope. You look around and you are surrounded by 10,000 ranks of nasty, dark, demonic forces who are filled with lust to see you destroyed. Somewhere in the distance you see ranks being thrown aside like waves in the ocean and bounding towards you is your victorious King, Jesus. He approaches you with a picnic basket. All the hordes of hell are in shock as they witness Him. They are stunned by His presence and dare not move an inch. He is not intimidated by them.
He gives a warm smile and a greeting and then sets out a picnic-- a feast prepared for You and Him. You're standing there shocked. What is He thinking? There are 10,000 demons surrounding us and they are probably calling for more help.. He invites you to dig in and dismisses the armies of darkness with one comment, "Don't worry about them. Eat up!"
That's really what it's like. In the midst of all devastation, He brings hope. In the midst of our weakness, He brings strength. In the midst of suffering, He brings joy. In the midst of our failures, His 'love covers a multitude of sins' (Proverbs 10:12, 1 Corinthians 13:7). Grace.
"When we make a mess of things, God comes and cleans up the mess, and then unmesses the messer." Ken Helser
Unmerited favor. For you and I.
