Somewhere Between Then and Now: On Identity.

I’ve been reflecting a lot on the last several years. Not for the sake of considering my weaknesses or faults, or even to glory in my triumphs and strengths, but to take inventory of significant moments. I’ve been thinking through the subject of identity and so my reflections have primarily been trying to isolate events, incidences, details, and moments where I felt fully myself and completely alive.

Do you know those moments I’m talking about? When you all-of-the-suddenbecome aware that everything that is happening is perfect? You’re shocked as you notice those imperfect people around you and in your life, that even the conditions and atmospheres are less than desirable, but there’s something about the moment that you’re in feels so right. It swallows up the less-than-perfects and your heart feels like it’s singing a brand new song that you’ve never heard. You know? Maybe not. That’s how I feel sometimes in those moments.

I think these moments define us. They shape us. They give us a glimpse of who we are deep down and if we pay attention to them, they can become the external reality that we omit because of the depth that they have taken on the inside. So, my quest is to take cues from these moments, and to hopefully discover more fully my core values that are based off of who I am. Not really sure how to figure out what my core values are/should be, so I’m starting with this: moments that I have felt fully alive.

                                

So, this blog is moment #1 (Not in order of importance, but of remembrance):

1) Walking on the Beach in Harvey Bay, Australia circa 2008.

I had a mug off coffee and a warm hoodie to combat the windy, cool early Australian morning. It was 5:15am and I was up and about— eager to continue my conversation with my Father, which is a miracle in itself. For me to get out of bed at that time requires the fortitude and resources of a large metropolis. I left my shoes at the tent I was camping in and my feet gloried in the cool sand. I walked along the beach, sipping my coffee (by french roast, yumz), taking in the beginning of the sunrise and letting my soul bask in the sounds of the tide drumming against the shoreline. I let the water tickle my feet from time to time, but it was too cold. I started talking with my Father about some dramatic events in my life and then stopped. I asked Him if we could just not process difficulty and be together. I sensed a smile. So, I dropped that. Then I just started to realized the overwhelming Presence on the beach. From the moment I had stepped out onto the sand, I had felt Him— as if He had been waiting in eager anticipation for me to shuffle out of my sleeping bag and let the caffeine carry me to the Australian shoreline. 

We chatted about nothing in particular. I was extremely thankful for a moment to unwind with Him, just to enjoy who He is and all the wonderful things happening in my life. Lots of laughter and sighs of satisfaction ensued. At some point I said a seemingly random thing outloud— I guess it had just come to mind while we were talking— and I said something along the lines of, “You know, Dad, I really want to live a life of adventure. A life of risk. I want to stop listening to the voice of fear and listen to your voice of trust.” After I said that, there I just sat in the silence that followed that declaration as the sun started to break through the morning clouds a little more fully. And a small, quiet whisper of a voice replied, “Do you trust me?” And I responded, “I think so.” And again, “Jump in the ocean.” 

At this particular point of time, there had been an drastic resurgence of box-jelly fish on the coast— a type of jellyfish that was dangerous and potentially fatal— so many in our crew were recommending to DTS students that we not swim without a full body suit. I didn’t see any jelly-fish this morning, nor was I entirely ridden with fear about being stung by one as the cases had been relatively few and far between, but the recent resurgence did bring some gravity to the situation. All that to say, the choice  to jump into the ocean wasn’t life threatening, but it was uncomfortable, especially since I was fully clothed and it was cold.

After a few moments consideration, I dropped my mug and ran into the ocean. I jumped into an on-coming wave like it was a hug from heaven and laughed all the while. As my body was submerged in cold water and the early morning wind ambushed my body, I was overcome with an even deeper sense of His Presence from head to toe— it was almost as if His smile grew bigger. I walked back onto the shore, changed my clothes and finished my devotions on the beach with a new coffee in hand, warm and full of joy. 

My takeaway from that encounter was this: not all of our risks for the Kingdom will be as easy and fun as jumping into a cold ocean, but all of them will be marked by God’s overwhelming pleasure in my saying “Yes” to Him.

ST. LOUIS- BREAD COMPANY:

A few weeks ago, I went to St. Louis with my mentor Shane Jason Mock and several friends. There was to be a church planting conference going on, of which the pastor from my Shane's church (Frontline, OKC) was invited to be a keynote speaker. The conference was for church planters in America. The organization that was putting the conference together requested that Shane bring a group of people do to prophetic ministry as Frontline is known as a “signs and wonders” church. Don't read too much into that though. Frontline people are very real and down to earth. They see miracles for sure, but I wouldn't classify them as they typical charismatic church. Plus, it is easy to think someone is a prophet (or as I call some of my friends “signs and wonders freaks”) if you see them get one, good word of knowledge. So we don't put much stock in reputation because reputation is flimsy. All the same, we felt honored.

We piled in the car at 5:00am. I am not a morning person. I was driving though, so I chose my music, drank my coffee and acted like I was a morning person for the sake of those around me. They saw right through me. Lots of good conversation followed, vision-casting and asking the Lord what He was saying about the weekend ensued, and then of course the testimonies of what God's been doing lately and the milestone moments in the journey. After a couple of hours though, you start reaching for the “years ago” testimonies. They are fun, but you can feel that dynamic tension of, “we've been talking about the power of God for hours.. So maybe we should start going after it again.”

Fail:
I'm not afraid to admit that I miss words from time to time. It would be dishonest to say that I didn't, and misunderstanding what God is saying in a particular instance doesn't mean I am a false prophet or that I am deceived, it means that I misunderstood. So, being riled up with hours of conversation, I found myself looking around for someone to pray for at the coffee shop/gas station break we had stopped for. I saw a guy. I went over to ask him about the picture I was seeing. With a look of angry bemusement, he said no. Dang. Missed it. But at least I tried.

Now, on the way up to St. Louis I tried giving a prophetic word to about three different people and either missed them entirely or those people were really good liars. My friend Brian on the other hand, saw three people healed and ministered powerfully accurate prophetic words at the gas station and McDonalds and wherever we stopped really. At this point the thought comes, “Maybe I am actually not that gifted. Alright. We're done for today.”

Add in two more healings for Brian, and a few more negative thoughts and I'm done. I've pretty much given up and faith has left my to dry up like a raisin.

So, we were at St. Louis Bread Company an hour before the conference is to begin. I was disappointed and frustrated. As I was eating my dinner, brewing over my missed words, I see a guy in the corner that I find myself drawn to. As I look at him, I see the word “leader” written in boldface hovering over his head. That is the most generic word in the entire world, so not very impressive. Didn't help my attitude. But I figured I had to start somewhere. So I walked over, and as I did I saw several more images come into my mind. I went up to him and said, “Excuse me sir? This might sound weird, but sometimes God gives me pictures for people when He wants to encourage them. I keep seeing the word “leader” written over your head and I saw a picture of you teaching college-aged kids.. But you actually were teaching them from the bible and I also see the word “pastor” written over you and..” As I was about to explain how I didn't mean the title or position pastor, but rather having a very nurturing, counseling and caring gifting, he interrupted me and said, “Who put you up to this?”
I replied, “Um.. No one. Like I said.. Sometimes, I get pictures from God for people and..”
He interrupted again, “Do you know who I am?”
“No.”
“Are you going to a conference by New Frontiers called Pushing Back Darkness this weekend?”
“Actually, yes.”
“Well, I am one of the keynote speakers for that conference, and I am a pastor based out of Washington.” He started thanking me and told me that he felt really encouraged as his church was just starting up a ministry to college-aged kids and he was feeling insecure about it.
Also, I later found out that the conference was actually geared towards college-aged kids.

That evening, after a person from our team preached, we lined up as a ministry team to pray for any needs that anyone might have. After some time, one of our teammates went up to call out a few words of knowledges for healing from the microphone. I had been feeling pain in my stomache all during worship, which was both unprovoked and inexplicable, so I leaned over to him as he went up and whispered, “Call out gastro-intestinal pain.” About 40 people responded to the words given. The first person came up to me and after asking how I could pray for them, the man responded, “I have GI.”
To which I replied, “What is that?”
He went on to explain that he had chronic pain in his gastro-intestinal tract. Of course, I freaked. The first guy out of 40 responding to 10 words of knowledge that had been given for healing, only one of which was mine, and he happened to come to me first. So I prayed over him. A couple minutes went by, and he confessed with tears in his eyes and shock on his face that all of his chronic pain had disappeared as he felt the tingly, hot presence of God come into His stomach. So, I freaked out again. I started thanking Jesus and went on to the next person.

Next person was a younger lady who also had GI. Two for two so far. I started praying for healing, but as I did I got a prophetic word for her. I said, “I feel like the Lord is saying that the desire of your heart is to start an orphanage in Africa and to start a school for at-risk children, but you are meeting opposition from your family and friends. The Lord wants you to know He gave you that desire and He is going to provide a support system, financially and relationally for you.” As soon as I had said the word “orphanage” the girl started weeping. She told me that she had spent her last summer abroad working in an orphanage in Africa and while she was there the Lord told her that it was her calling to start one of her own, including education for the orphans. Her family deeply disapproved and she was struggling with what she had heard the Lord say. And then, with more tears spilling from her eyes, she told me, “And.. and.. All that pain left!” I had her bend over to test it (not really sure how you test GI pain), and she said there was absolutely no pain.

Next person that came up was another young man who told me he also had GI chronic pain and that it had last several years. Three for three! I was so full of faith, having already seen two others healed, so I told the man that he was going to be healed. I told him the two testimonies and that the Lord had spoken to me that night about it. He was a little wary at first, but his wariness turned to awe after I prayed for him and all the pain left his body. That night 9 people responded to GI pain and 6 were healed immediately when our team prayed for them, and the other three all told us that that they felt something had happened but were not sure if all the pain was gone as the pain came and went. We also saw a broken septum healed, and I saw two people healed of back pain, both of which were preceded by words of knowledge. One of the words of knowledge included not only that the man had back pain in the small right side part of his lower back, but also the details of the bicycle accident that had occurred a few months prior that had caused the pain. The man was instantly healed, and he checked it by twisting his back every way he could, most of which, as he told me later, he would not have been able to do before I prayed for him.

God is so good! When He speaks people are deeply impacted, when He heals people get rocked, and when His Presence shows up love and power are released everywhere.

More stories to come!

Love,
K

FATHER's Love at EL Chico and GAP

I'm going to give a "2011: Year in Review" soon, but until that time, I thought I would go ahead and post this story. It may or not seem impressive to you, but the thing I like about it is how down to earth and natural the Holy Spirit is. He meets my needs and He moves in power even when I am on a bad day. Love that. Not sure if anyone follows this blog anymore, but if you do, I hope you're blessed by this testimony:

I was having a rough morning, missing my family and feeling really lonely. I drove to the mall to use up a giftcard from Christmas and as I did, I saw a sign for the restaurant El Chico. It reminded me of my dad because he and I used to eat there almost weekly for a season. It deepened my loneliness, but then I heard my Heavenly Father say, “Why don’t you go to El Chico with me? Let’s have lunch together.” I laughed, picturing myself alone at a table in a mexican restaurant-- a pathetic sight. But I felt like there was something on it. I went to GAP, shopped around but felt like I wasn’t supposed to buy anything yet. I went to GAP and told them I needed a table for one. 10 minutes later they set up a table for 2, which I thought was God’s confirmation that this was HIS idea. I sat down, ordered a diet coke and browsed the menu. The diet coke came and as I was looking at the menu I saw a picture of two diet cokes on the table and the Father was drinking one. So I considered ordering another diet coke even though I had a full one in front of me. But before I could, with my own drink COMPLETELY full, the waiter brought out a SECOND diet coke and placed it in the exact spot that I had envisioned before. After that, I had faith that God was with me on the “Father-son” date, and I started talking to Him and had a great time with Him, feeling so loved and all the loneliness disappear.

Then I went to GAP to pick up the few items I had been trying on. At the cash register, I started talking to the Lady who was checking me out and as I did, I saw a picture of her in a class room with what looked like middle-school aged children and heard the word “anxiety.”
So I asked her, “Hey, are you studying in the education department at OU?” She looked really surprised, and said, “Yeah… “
And then I said, “And you want to work with younger children, middle-school aged kids.” And she said, “How did you know that? Are you in the education department?”
I said, “This might sounds kind of weird, but sometimes God will give me pictures whenever He wants to encourage people and I saw a picture of you teaching middle-school aged children. I feel like He wants you to know that His favor is all over you and that if you’re feeling anxiety over your career or finding a job after college, He wants to bring you peace and show His provision.”
At this point, her jaw was open and she had a look of complete shock on her face. She finished up the transaction thanking me, and I blessed her and told her God’s favor was on her life.

Even on my bad days, He is GOOD!

Seeing before seeing

I hold a firm conviction that God’s love and power have been immeasurably given to us and we can receive those things in any moment. When I chose to make the move from a YWAM missional culture (focused on the nations) to a local church in Norman-- trying to live missionally amidst the work, school, and daily life stuff-- I did so conscious that my conviction and faith had to be worked practically in the pace of “normal” life.

It’s my desire to see God’s love and power hit every facet of society: the arts realm, business world, education, religion, media, government and family. And I believe in order for that to happen there has to be champions-- people who follow Jesus who look at the impossible and believe that God makes possibilities out of crazy circumstances.

So, I’m in Norman working at a cafe, going to a community college in Oklahoma City, doing church, hanging out with friends and doing the normal daily routine. Every day I am faced with a decision: saying “Yes” to God or saying “Yes” to the spirit of the world that is everywhere around me. Like I said before, this transition from YWAM to Norman hasn’t been an easy one but it’s been a life giving one.

I thought that I’d give a few stories that have been encouraging to me that have happened in our community in the last while. These stories speak life to the dry places of my heart because they reveal God’s love and power and testify that He is working in America-- they show that we can live a passionate, kingdom-filled lifestyle and we don’t have to travel 10,000 miles to do it.

Story #1) A day before I was going to meet up with my discipleship group leader he gave me a call and told me that a guy named Josh would be joining us. He told me that he wanted me to pray over the dude and bring anything that Lord might say about him to the table but all he gave me was the name "Josh."

The next day, I was praying and I saw a picture of a short guy (around 5'6), with green eyes, brown hair and a blue shirt. It was a vague picture and I kind of was like, "There's no way I just saw a vision of the guy I'm about to meet." After that the Lord gave me a few things about Josh's destiny and some other gold stuff that is in his heart. I wrote it all down, figuring that if any of it was right the guy would only believe me if I had written it down. As I was driving down the road I got the phrase, "red head." I was confused at this point because earlier I saw a picture of a brown haired guy. I wrote it down, but wasn't planning on saying anything about it.

I walked into Starbucks, saw Phil and we started chatting. Josh walked in. He was a red head. He came over and introduced himself. Then he went over to a table and started to talk to someone while Phil and I got some coffee. He came over to us and told us that he had just been talking to a close friend who wanted to join us for our discipleship group. I walked over after getting my coffee and I saw that Josh's friend had short brown hair, green eyes, a blue shirt and he seems like he's a short height. My heart is pumping at this point as I begin to realize that Lord had given me a picture of this guy before ever meeting him.

Phil started sharing some stories about prophetic encounters. He loves doing that because it challenges people. Then he asked me if I had any stories to share. I pulled out my note pad (side note: most of my body is shaking at this point, out of nervousness and shock). I started to explain about how the Lord had shown me who Tyler was literally a few hours before I met him and that he had some stuff for Josh. I explained the picture I saw, showed him the noted pad and asked Tyler if he was 5'6. He nodded, giving me the "I'm freaking out right now" face (wide-eyed, jaw drop). Josh did the "I can't even look at you right now because I don't know what to think" face. Phil just laughed. I prophesied over Josh for a little bit. Afterwards, he looked at Tyler and says, "Does that sound right to you?" Tyler, still incredulous, "Oh yeah. He just described who you are." Then Josh started to tell me that some of the stuff I said to him, a close friend whom he hadn't seen in years had just recently (two days earlier) sat down with him over lunch and told him the exact same things, almost word-for-word.

At that point, Phil jumped in and explained that the Lord doesn't just give prophetic people a vision of what people look like and who they are on the inside for no reason-- He's was calling us somewhere. These guys left the discipleship group that night having encountered the love of God and with a new found passion for finding Jesus. A fun praise report-- These guys have been meeting with Phil and I all semester and have had numerous incredible encounters with the Lord. They grew up baptist and didn't even think this stuff was possible until the last few months. They are actually becoming quite prophetic themselves and have a passion for Jesus that is really inspiring.

Over the next few blog posts, I'll post some more recent stories from our community! Hope this encourages you. Sometimes even the faintest impressions are God speaking to you.

Memorial to Leah Dettling, friend and mentor.

Some of you have heard about a recent friend of mine who passed away and some of you have been praying with me for months now for her. I thought that I would tell you a bit about her and how she impacted me in light of her passing. I would have loved to be at her memorial service this Saturday, but time and money are in lack. This blog is my poor attempt to offer my thanks to her and pay honor where honor is due.


I owe Leah my life.
I was a punk teenager who only cared about making myself feel good and making myself look good. A series of Divinely planned steps and seemingly irrational choices landed me in Australia in 2006 on the Music Arts and Dance Discipleship Training School. I didn't care about God, I cared about music. I was there because I wanted to travel and do music and I knew my parents would pay my way if it was through YWAM.

Leah taught the first week of my DTS. On the first day, I was struck by her passion. The power of her words were nailing me in the heart, leaving me with very little intellectual knowledge and very much emotional turmoil. On the second day, I was on the floor waiting for some sign from God that He was real when Leah began weeping over the state of my soul. We were both kneeling, she had her hand on my back, and started speaking my Father's heart to me. The whole week she kept saying, "In order to know God, you can't just know in your head-- you have to know by experience." On that day she wept over me, I asked for God to give me that fire-- I asked for a new, real faith. I asked for Him to never let go. He responded with 7 months of outrageously good experiences. By the end of that time, I saw a glimpse of His heart and it was enough to steal away all other desires. Leah was the one who obeyed Him and allowed herself to be broken over me.

Several other Divinely constructed encounters led to me coming back to that same YWAM base to do a Basic Leadership School, of which Leah was the leader. Getting God-provision and favor landed me in a classroom with this zealous woman of God, Leah. She taught on humility. She taught on the goodness of God. She taught on authority. She taught me how to hear the voice of God. She taught me how to have faith even in the darkest storms of life. And then she taught me how to teach and how to lead. She threw me into circumstances where I had the chance to try my wings out. Every time I fell I would find her and we would talk about it.

When we weren't doing the deep, ministry stuff, we were laughing. You see, Leah loved fun. She thrived on it and longed for it because of the intense community we lived in and all the pressures thereof. Game nights at her house were amazing and frequent and the food.. Ah, the food.. She was a really amazing cook. I always tried to steal a bite of her lunch that she brought to base. My seat of choice during lectures was next to Leah (so that I could have fun) and my afternoon of choice was distracting her from her paperwork (so that she could have fun). I made it my personal goal to get Leah to quit the serious stuff and just have a laugh with me-- or a coffee-- I loved getting her to relax.

There are literally countless times where Leah led friends and students into the presence of God in worship and intercession. There are literally countless of times where Leah would weep over people exemplifying the heart of God, or when she would lead us in repentance. She taught me that honesty and vulnerability are the tools of humility.

I had the privilege to learn about how God speaks-- especially through the mode of dreams and interpreting these mysterious sayings from Him. I had the honor to help her process some of her own dreams. She even invited me to help her lead prophetic outreaches in the local area, and allowed me to get my feet wet with risk. The prophetic came alive to me under her leadership, and for that I remain extremely grateful.

One moment, that I hope I never forget: My friend and I had been hosting 'worship nights' in the local community center. We would sing and do our thing, and then give people words and prayer ministry. We had experienced three or four amazing nights where it seemed that we ministered under the anointing with such easy and accuracy.. It was so amazing in fact, I indulged my thought life in becoming extremely pleased in the way I had been such an amazing prophetic, anointed dude. Man, I was one gifted guy. Leah came to one of the last meetings we held. As people were walking in, we were enjoying the presence of God, but for some reason I though I wasn't singing loud enough. And then I remembered that I thought it was ME that had brought all the anointing and glory-- I mean, I was just so dang special, right? Did I mentioned I had just finished a worship school?

So I stood up and started singing loud and dancing around. Nothing happened. No crazy overwhelming Presence entered the room. No anointing flowed. No awesome accurate words flowed. It was just me and a guitar trying to conjure up a sweet spiritual experience, and nothing happened. So I sat down.

Then Leah came over. She wept. And wept. And wept. And started asking the Father to bring the fear of God on my life. And then I wept. And wept. And wept. And we wept. And wept. In that moment, I realized that I had fallen into a pithole. My heart was feeding off of how people had esteemed me as a powerful worship leader and prophetic minister. My heart was loving being the center of attention. And in that moment with Leah by my side the revelation dawned: My heart needed Someone that could give true love and satisfaction. And, I can honestly say, that I have remained changed from that encounter.

It's hard to put into words the affection and love I feel for Leah. I spent a little over a year and half getting to know her as a friend and mentor. Even though that is a short time in comparison to some, a lot of what I know about God I have experienced either with her or through her and the crazy thing is that I am not the only one who can say that. There are dozens, probably hundreds, who have experienced the love of God in equal if not greater ways through her-- many have found inner healing with her, deliverance, physical healing, and/or a faithful friend in her.

The one thing that I saw in her life that I have adopted as my own: honesty. She refused to be fake with God. She refused to be okay with what she didn't understand. She was okay with being angry. She related to Him much like a girl would relate to her Father or Friend-- much like we're supposed to. Once I saw that God not only was okay with this (see all of the Psalms for evidence of this), but even invited it, I ran with it and my life has been the better for it. Nothing invites intimacy with God like honesty.

Leah Dettling is my personal hero. She fought even when things didn't seem worth fighting for. She dreamed, even when it seemed impossible. She prayed even when it felt hopeless. She loved even when she didn't feel that loved. There are no words that can express the loss that the world has as a result of her death. But this one thing I know for certain: While one hero died this last week, many that were touched by her will be raised up into the same strength, if not greater, and will change the course of history. I kid you not. Her influence and legacy lives on in every heart that she touched and spoke into, and our world experienced more of heaven's love because of it. We won't know the true fruit of all her labors until Eternity, but mark my words: the kingdom of darkness will reap greater loss in the years to come as the people whom Leah ministered to raise into their own and become a hero in the Spirit much like she was.

The world lost an amazing woman of God, but heaven received a beautiful faithful, loving princess with joy and there is a party going on. A crazy party is going on in heaven right now and Jesus is rejoicing, dancing and singing over His faithful servant, friend, and lover: Leah Dettling.

Blessings,
K.

New season, new stuff.

So, I am living in America again.

It's kind of weird and kind of awesome. Anyway, this blog used to be a medium to share stories to people who were supporting me in my endeavors with YWAM whether that was via prayer, financial or moral support. Since I'm no longer apart of Youth With A Mission, I am going to let my blog transform accordingly.

At the moment, I am going to school, looking for a job, and have joined up with a community church. My goal is to learn how to live an intentional, 'Kingdom lifestyle,' which is a simple way of saying: I'm trying to figure out how to stay engaged with the Holy Spirit in the Mission of Jesus in every circumstance.

This season is a season of exploration and discovery, trying new things and retrying old things.
I have a lot of goals I'm aiming for, possibly some of which will expounded upon here at another time.

Since being home I have had a handful of historic God-moments, that have literally become unforgettable. It's cool to know He's as powerful here as He is in India, Japan and Australia.

Also, I love learning.
For now, that is all. For those of you who have followed this blog faithfully, thank you! I hope you enjoy the new things that come out from now on.

"Then He spoke a parable to them: “No one puts a piece from a new garment on an old one; otherwise the new makes a tear, and also the piece that was taken out of the new does not match the old. And no one puts new wine into old wineskins; or else the new wine will burst the wineskins and be spilled, and the wineskins will be ruined. But new wine must be put into new wineskins, and both are preserved." Luke 5:36-38


Peace,
K.

A Big Canvas

Over the past few months, the Lord has really been stirring me in His thoughts for the Body of Christ.
I have often indulged in judgement over the different denominations and branches of Christendom, and I am starting to see that my "us and them" mindset has caused me to miss out on so much of what the Lord has to offer. When I say "us and them", I really mean, people who differ and don't agree with me verses people who are similar and do agree with me. But there is something, to being in reverence of the gift of God deposited in every person and manifested in every person. God has created us unique and knows us intimately in our own ways. So, in my loving Him with all my heart, my mind, my soul and strength--it will be a completely different expression of love from that of someone who is wired entirely differently than I am.

This used to upset me. Now, it excites me.
I used to look for the right formulas. And by that I mean, the right teachings, the right prayers, the right worship, etc. If I've learned anything in the past years in my journey with Jesus, I've learned relationship trumps formula. While I do believe He is a God of structure and order (1 Cor 14:33), I also believe that He is a Father calling me to explore the identity of being His child (Romans 8). What I've come to realize again and again, is that I have something to learn from everyone. He has deposited part of His DNA in every person on earth and He awakens the DNA into a beautiful metamorphosis for us who are born of the Spirit through Jesus Christ.


When I was in Africa, I think this revelation began to dawn on me.
I sat in a small bible study that my Dad runs every week. He has three local african church leaders meet with him and explore scripture and what relationship with God is like every weekend. These three guys are very different. One of them has been discipled by YWAM and local churches, that follow more in the footsteps of Hillsong-esque churches. Another one used to be considered the town drunk, downing more alcohol than you'd think humanly possible. He has now been sober for two years, and even though he's rough around the edges, there is a divine spark of hunger in his soul to know Jesus, the real Jesus. Then there is another guy, who is maybe one of the most responsible, hard-working Africans I met. My dad talked highly of him, because this was a man who never asked for a dime from my dad in the last year (unlike many others) but had a consistent, growing hunger for Jesus.

I sat with these guys a handful of times listening to their responses to my dad's questions, amazed by them. They answered with such honesty and hungered for truth with such intensity. The smallest morsel of revelation was like a feast of kings for them. I listened in pure delight seeing the truth wash over them, and seeing them receive good news with joy. I saw in them the embodiment of Jesus' words, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they will be filled," (Matt. 5:6) and then I realized what true hunger was. I have only barely experienced it, but these sons of God walk in their hunger for God daily. I want that.

Next, I am confronted by one of my good friends, Will Stackable. Will and I had the blessing of being in a team together while we were ministering in Masipumalele. Will is one of my closest friends, but we are wired completely differently. He thrives on being around people, meeting new people, talking and learning from others, and to be honest, he's a natural evangelist. I tend to want to be alone or at least with people I know very well, I'd rather not meet a lot of new people in day, and I don't do well opening up with people I've never met before, and to be honest, I'm not a natural evangelist.


But, my delight was in working with Will. We, and our other two team members (who differed from one another as greatly as Will and I did from each other), had the privilege to learn from each other. In 1 John 2:28 says, "But the anointing which you have received from Him abides in you, and you do not need that anyone should teach you; but as the same anointing teaches you concerning all things, and is true, and is not a lie, and just as it has taught you, you will abide in Him."

I wasn't looking for a teaching on evangelism, but I was looking for the anointing of evangelism at work. I was looking for the fruit of the Spirit coming through Will and allowing the Lord to show me what it means to be an evangelist in my own right. So, we spent heaps of time with people and the whole time I was with Will and the other girls, I saw gifts of God at work at them, the anointing of the Spirit at work, and my heart was stirred to not only continue acting out in who I am, but in hungering for the manifestation of those gifts in my life, and in my personality.

Towards the end of the trip, I think I hit my stride. I was able to talk to people openly about my beliefs and offer prayer, where before it seemed like such a daunting task to accomplish.


In our times of worship and prayer, we saw others take the lead according to their gifting and anointing. My sister Kathyrn amazed me here. She took such a strong leadership, leading in conviction and faith on what God was speaking. Myself and others gave our two cents in what we heard from God, in prayers, in leading worship, but all contributed every morning. We saw another dynamic shift of those who felt and understood things from the Lord being a two fold gift-- In one sense, giving us direction and in another, seeing the Holy Spirit teach us through them.

For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to see the Holy Spirit come radically into every person's life experience. I haven't always been conscious of it. When I was a young kid, I would drum with all my might and rhythm seeking to release the Spirit of God over the worshipers in front of the stage. When I led worship, the same zeal over took me resulting in loud singing and breaking guitar strings. When I led my outreach team, the same zeal overtook me in intercession and in sharing devotions. I want to see the Holy Spirit come in a powerful way, that is the personal and unique way for individuals.

I wonder sometimes, if we miss half of what God is saying or doing because of our view of what He should be saying or doing.
In any case, I want to see the fingerprints of God over every person who calls Jesus 'Lord.' I want to learn from the Catholics, the Protestants, the Baptists, the Charismatics, the Liberals and the Conservatives, because WE are the body of Christ. There is One Spirit and One Lord, and He dwells within us. We owe it to our brothers and sisters to be who God has uniquely called us to be, and our brothers and sisters owe it to us to be who God has called them to be.



Sometimes, I ask the Lord to give me His perspective for people and when I pray that prayer He always answers it. Sometimes, I have seen pictures of big glasses being put over my eyes, and the view of the person changes from what is material and judgmental, to what is unseen and eternal, straight from the heart of God. I can't afford to judge others, because if I do, I might just miss the fingerprints of Christ all over their heart and soul, and therefore miss Him as well.

As I left Africa and came back to a western nation, I remembered the African church leaders I met. I remembered the western missionaries I met, and the friends with whom I ministered with. Put it all on one big canvas and you see Christ Himself just visited Africa. He left His mark: the lame walked, the pain relieved, the tuberculosis removed, the backs straightened, the words of encouragement and life spoken, the hope imparted and the salvation received.

Unmerited Favor

So, I led an outreach to India for 7 weeks with 4 students of the MAD DTS (Music Arts and Dance Discipleship Training School).
It was incredible. Absolutely incredible.

Some of you have heard the stories that made our time there so incredible. I'd like to put forth the heart process that stole the cake in my eyes. Honestly, I love seeing the fruit of God coming out in ministry, but when He does something completely transformational, more than just one-off event, it brings joy like nothing else.

So here's my story.

The first week being in India I was looking for the Kingdom to come in power. We were with a local youth group that were so zealous for the Lord. These guys have such passion for God, it was humbling. They were on their break from school and instead of using that time to play games, go visit places or even rest, they chose to plan a week in villages where many had never heard the gospel of the Kingdom or known the love of Jesus. That's astonishing to me!
But in our earnest desire to see signs and wonders, we missed something crucial.

The Lord spoke to me one morning through 1 Corinthians 2:2--"For I determined not to know anything among you except Jesus Christ and Him crucified." I didn't get it at first. But as I began to pray, I realized that something was wrong in me. You see, I had subconsciously started to believe that my sonship in Him must be proved by signs and wonders. I thought that if I prayed harder, was greater in faith, that I would earn the right to minister in the power of the Spirit.
Paul declares, that His one concern was Jesus Christ and all the implications of Jesus' crucifixtion. I began to repent seeing that I was not placing Jesus at the center of it all. I was trying to earn the Kingdom, which is impossible. His love, His Spirit and His Kingdom are given in grace.
I shared with my team my conviction and we all fell into the same conviction, praying and repenting. Then we shared with our translators (the local youth) and they responded in the same way.

The next day I preached the gospel, I shared a story and we invited any who were hungry to receive the love of Christ. Many responded. It was at that moment as I began to pray with those, who in brokenness recognized their need for a Savior, that I realized the power in 1 Corinthians 2:2. When we give Jesus His rightful place in our hearts, every thing else falls into line. We preached Jesus and Him crucified and then the blind were healed, the deaf ears were opened and the demons fled the bodies of those who were tormented.

A couple of weeks later I was still meditating on this verse. Something about it was shattering all my ideas and theology that was founded on anything but Jesus. One morning, I was so frustrated. I just didn't understand why I was making mistakes. Judging, comparing, even lusting at times towards others. How could I experience His Kingdom and still fail so miserably at resisting sin?

He spoke to me the next morning as I began to lead worship. I saw a picture of myself and I was covered in dirty rags. Jesus came to me and began to take away the rags and He began to robe me in new bright, shining clothing. It hit me and I began to weep in my confession and I said something to this extent: 'Guys, I have been so self-righteous. I've been trying to do it all on my own-- the miracles, resisting sin, being a good leader. For some reason, I think that I can earn righteousness.. For some reason I think I can earn gifts from God.. But Jesus is not only the author of my faith.. He is the perfecter. He is my righteousness.." We began to sing to Him, and this time the words of our worship sank so deeply into my heart as I realized the incredible grace He has towards me..

I remember there was one day in particular that in the morning I was full of cynicism and judgement. I repented, and even though I didn't feel like it, I had the responsibility of leading worship later that evening. As I led, the presence of God entered the room so powerfully. The whole time I'm thinking to myself, "I don't deserve this.. I sinned in the morning and Father comes to me in the evening.."
Another time, a similar thing happened but the Lord chose to use me to bring inner healing to girls who had been badly wounded by men in their past, who had been lied to about their beauty and worth. As I prayed over them the Lord spoke so clearly, leading me throughout the process and the whole time I'm thinking to myself, "I don't deserve this. I am a failure and Father uses me to love on His children."

Towards the end of my time in India the phrase came to me in the morning, "Unmerited Favor." I've come to find that is the definition of grace. He started to reveal to me, that despite my failures and faults His affection is so great for me and for His children He will use me even in my weakest, most vulnerable moments.
I am undeserving, but grace says, "You didn't earn this, it's freely given because I love you."

I look back on the 7 weeks and I see a journey with the finger prints of God all over it. People were set free. People came to know Christ' love in powerful ways. People were healed, physically and emotionally. In the past, I would've given myself a pat on the back and been like, "Job well done. What's next?" But now I can't help but remain in awe of Him. How He honors me! How He blesses me! How He loves me!
I mean, I don't even get it sometimes. I can be such a wretch, such a failure and He calls me Beloved. What's up with that? It doesn't make any logical sense, but I guess His love goes deeper than what we know or see.

I wrote this song one evening to try and get out in words what I was feeling. Here are the words:

"You take this heart of stone and give me a heart of flesh
You take this broken man and make me one who is whole
You break all my fears and make me a child of God
And you give love everlasting

All praise, all honor, all glory belongs to You!

All I see is sinfulness but you see a child worth loving
All I see is wickedness but you see a child worth dying for
All I see are mighty giants but you see the courage of David

All praise, all honor, all glory belongs to You!

You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies!"

That last line, "You prepare a feast for me in the presence of my enemies!" pretty well sums up in a picture what my heart is feeling right now. Picture what I'm picturing:

You're all alone. You're covered in battle wounds, your armor is falling off, your arm is almost dead with the weight of the sword you're carrying and you've almost lost all hope. You look around and you are surrounded by 10,000 ranks of nasty, dark, demonic forces who are filled with lust to see you destroyed. Somewhere in the distance you see ranks being thrown aside like waves in the ocean and bounding towards you is your victorious King, Jesus. He approaches you with a picnic basket. All the hordes of hell are in shock as they witness Him. They are stunned by His presence and dare not move an inch. He is not intimidated by them.
He gives a warm smile and a greeting and then sets out a picnic-- a feast prepared for You and Him. You're standing there shocked. What is He thinking? There are 10,000 demons surrounding us and they are probably calling for more help.. He invites you to dig in and dismisses the armies of darkness with one comment, "Don't worry about them. Eat up!"

That's really what it's like. In the midst of all devastation, He brings hope. In the midst of our weakness, He brings strength. In the midst of suffering, He brings joy. In the midst of our failures, His 'love covers a multitude of sins' (Proverbs 10:12, 1 Corinthians 13:7). Grace.

"When we make a mess of things, God comes and cleans up the mess, and then unmesses the messer." Ken Helser

Unmerited favor. For you and I.

Umm.. Love?

So, let me just say this-- I have learned a lot in the last 3 months. A lot about me, a lot about God, a lot about people. I guess 'a lot' is kind of a relative term. I'm only 19, so 'a lot' to me might be 'a little' to you. But I guess when I say 'a lot' I am thinking of the value of the revelation and truth I've received.
But amongst the lot, I am going to choose the one pearl that shines the brightest just for you. (I hope you feel loved..)

Somewhere in October the Lord began to deal ruthlessly with my pride. You see, I had this fantastic idea of myself in being an incredible leader and amazing disciple-maker. I realized that my role in YWAM with DTS (Discipleship Training School) students is more like the influence of an older brother than a seasoned father. After, I realized that I felt very freed to be myself. Go figure.

Now recently the MAD DTS was in Byron Bay doing local outreach. We did devotions and worship in the morning, beach evangelism in the day, and we would set up our music gear in the night doing live entertainment and sharing the gospel with whomever would come by. The DTS actually wasn't doing to well-- many were discouraged, disappointed, and had an overall feel of hopelessness-- not the best way to do evangelism, admittedly but luckily He works with what He's got.
I went on a walk with the Lord and I just started venting my frustrations. I started praying down conviction, and working myself up in a frenzy-- In retrospect, probably because it made me feel better.
When I shut my mouth and kept walking the Lord said this to me and brought the His gentle presence in conviction, "Son, you have been negligent."
I'm like, "WHAT? Me negligent? I am working hard, spending time with people, sharing the gospel.. Negligent?"
He said, "You've been negligent in showing my sons and daughters how you love Me."
And then the revelation set in.

I had been so preoccupied in making students become ministers-- people who move in the power of God, by His Spirit and transforming lives, cities, nations I had lost sight of what was most important. As convictions sets in, 1 Corinthians 13:1 comes crushing into my mind shattering my ideas of importance and priorities to bits-- "Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal." I mean, how many times have I read that verse and how many times has the depth of it's meaning completely passed over me imparting no change whatsoever? How many times have those words been nothing but nice literature to be read at a wedding? But this is the reality that is put forth for us who are called children of God.

All the spiritual gifts count as nothing is I have not love.
All my works are dead without faith expressing itself in love.
I mean, what would my life look like if I lived by that revelation? What would my life look like if I stopped putting priority on the wrong things and I keep the first commandment first? What kind of leader would I be if Jesus was my first love and my sole concern for those I led was that they would know the depth, the width, and the height of the love of God being given to them as beloved children of the Most High?
It sounds simple. It is. But the working out of this reality in my life is where it gets complicated.
I get so busy trying to please this view of God I have-- that He is a task-master waiting to be handed polished, refined works of art made by my hands and my time alone-- and when I fail at that, my ability to please Him and receive His love is squandered.
But the provoking conviction points to another view of this Father I have.
He suffers long, He is kind, He does not envy, He is not proud, He is not puffed up, He does not behave rudely, He does not seek His own, He is not easily angered, He thinks no evil, He does not rejoice in iniquity but rejoices in all truth, He bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and He endures all things.

Later that night I went out onto the beach with one of my guys.
We had a guitar and an ukulele. You see, this kid is a unique one. He doesn't like the traditional way of doing things. So our times of catching up has become grabbing two instruments and singing a conversation to one another. This isn't the only adaptation I've made for him. From day one I have sacrificed every idea of discipleship that I have to reach this kid.
We looked out at the stars, we sang about some silly things, and some serious things.

As we're sitting there, the warm convicting presence of God comes upon me. Father says to me, "Apologize to him."
I look at this kid-- someone I have seen as a project at times, someone I have tried to make a better minister and to whom I have been negligent in showing God's love. I put my ukulele down and look at him and say this, "Listen, I need to ask your forgiveness for something." The guitar resonates with one last pluck of the fingers and I know I have his attention as he looks to me, and the instrument silences. As I open my mouth, something really strange happens. My heart explodes. I start weeping and the following statements come out in sentence fragments as I begin to get a glimpse of how much my Father really cares for my little brother..
"I haven't shown you how I love Jesus. I have been so concerned with you learning to be a better minister, to be a better person that I've missed the point of it all. The truth is I don't care whether you prophesy, whether you speak in tongues, whether you heal people or not-- If you don't know God's love none of that matters. My one desire for you is that you would know God and be known by Him.. And He loves you so, so much.. More than you'll ever know."

At this point, my tears begin to subside. I may have said a few more things, I don't remember to be honest. I remember him asking me a few questions none of which I had the answer to. I had no magical answers for him. I had no perfect prayers. I had one confession and a re-ignited commitment to be a person who shows and walks in the love of my Father.
This guy had been struggling for months. He was bound by rejection, unbelief and fear. He would hardly smile, he would hardly laugh, and he would hardly participate in worship. But something happened that night. Father showed His love to this kid, and the next day I felt like I had met a new person. He laughed! He smiled! He had caught a glimpse of God that had been enough for him to go off of that He started talking to strangers about Jesus, and He started giving His heart in worship.
He isn't perfect.. he still has some issues to work through but he has seen a glimpse of God's love and that is all that was needed to lead him to breakthrough-- Now, this guy whom I dearly love (so much so, I haven't shared his name..) is committed to knowing God and making Him known.

That is the fruit of love.
Thank you Father for never giving up on us, for continually pursuing, for being so patient, kind and gracious to us.
You are so good.

Bottles of Perfume

We embarked on a journey of 24 hours of worship and intercession in order to prepare our hearts for the overseas outreach we will be going on in a little less than two weeks. India, Japan, and Canada are about to receive teams from our base full of passionate hunger for the Lord and zeal to see His name known. During this time, the Lord spoke to me about extravagant love through a passage in the Gospel of John. This is where He has led us.

John 11, 12:1-8

Here is the scene. Jesus knows His friend Lazarus is dead. He chooses to go to Bethany where He had almost been stoned before, despite the apparent concern and fear His disciples have (John 11:8,16). He declares that He needs to wake Lazarus up-- which means He has a revelation in store for His followers about the kind of person He really is.

He goes to Bethany. As soon as He enters the town, Martha gets to Him quickly and informs Him that the funeral for Lazarus has been going on for 4 days. She knows that Jesus is a Rabbi who holds the words of life-- She has seen Him heal the blind and she believes deep in her heart that Jesus might be this Christ-King the Jews have been waiting for centuries to see come and restore the majesty of Israel. Her declaration is this-- 'If you would've been here, Lazarus wouldn't have died.' She recognized the power of life that Jesus had in His words.. But here Jesus reveals something new- His declaration that Lazarus will rise again is not a theological concept but a present reality-- for He is the resurrection and the life.

Mary runs to find Jesus. Her friends think she's in another fanatical fit of mourning over her brother and that she is probably heading to the tomb to weep. But she goes to Jesus. She meets Him with brokenness and in worship. She falls at His feet and declares in faith that Lazarus would have lived in Jesus' presence.
His response to her brokenness was compassion. He wept. He followed her to the grave seemingly for a visit, but He had something else in mind. He commands them to roll away the stone. Daring to embrace the stench of 4 days of rotting corpse, they comply with His request. They remove the rock, the barrier. Jesus calls forth Lazarus, and the Lord's declaration about Himself, 'I am the Resurrection Life' echoes into eternity as Lazarus steps forth from the grave.
This is Jesus.

Jesus visits this family again six days before Passover. Here Martha serves, Lazarus soaks up time with Jesus and Mary bestows upon Him the most extravagant gift she could give to show how full of thankfulness and adoration her heart is. This bottle of perfume is worth at least a year's wages, and in one instance the year's wealth is wasted on the feet of this man Jesus.
Judas complains. Jesus silences the complainer and receives the gift with a greatful heart.
This is Jesus, the Resurrection Life, the Conquering King, the Lovesick Bridegroom, the Prince of Peace, the Pure Lamb.
He deserves the most extravagant expressions of love from our hearts-- bottles of perfume poured over His feet without hesitation in adoration of Him.

May we be a people who give ourselves, who break open the bottles of perfume to pour out upon His feet, who love with heart in complete abandon to Him. May we be a people who's thankfulness and adoration manifests in the deepest expressions of love the world has ever seen or could know. May we be a people filled with affection for Christ Jesus above all else-- may He be the first love of our hearts and the ultimate choice we make every day.
Amen.

To Whom Credit Is Due

"Whoever confesses that Jesus is the son of God, God abides in him, and he in God. And we have known and believed the love that God has for us. God is love, and he who abides in love abides in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:15,16

As many of you know, we have seen some cool things happening in the community where I live lately. There has been true healing, there has been true deliverance, there has been prophetic words that have been revealed by God and shown to be true.
When the kingdom of God begins to manifest in this way, it is really easy to want to take credit for it. The temptation begins in a very subtle way: "I prayed and God moved." While this may be true, I have to say this statement comes from a place of humility. If there is any ounce of pride in my heart than this statement actually means, "Look God has honored my greatness." I'll be honest, I have fallen to this temptation before. And the Lord has convicted me of it.

It's exciting to be apart of the things of God. I am constantly blown away by the fact that God chooses to use we who are imperfect, messy and immature to show His power-- "the foolishness of God is wiser than man's wisdom and the weakness of God is stronger than man's strength." (1 Corinthians 1:25)--it is His way of bringing glory to Himself and to usher us into a strong, dependent relationship between us an Him. While God responds to our prayers and hears our cries, it is His Spirit that performs the works --not anything that is within me. This is the reality of Galations 2:20, "I no longer live but Christ lives in me.." I must come to the revelation that I am the vessel of the life of Christ and from that reality all things natural and supernatural will flow.

Something hit me the other day as I was reading about different spiritual gifts in Romans 12:
I am not gifted. I am made a giver.
Paul describes different types of gifts: prophecy, service, teaching, ect. All are capable of functioning in these things. Somewhere along the road, I think we have been taught that God gives the gift of prophecy to an individual and they become 'gifted.' They become this thing that we believe is unattainable to us who are not 'as gifted.' Prophecy is a gift, but it is a gift that is given to the individual receiving the prophecy, not the one who is receives the revelation. If I give a prophetic word, I am giving a gift. I have the Spirit of Christ within me. He dwells with me and I dwell in Him. It is Him who is the prophet, and it is Him who chooses to manifest prophetically through me. He does choose some who will minister different ways more consistently than others, but this is not because we are more unique or gifted than others-- this is destiny; spiritual authority is given according to our obedience and the assignments which God gives us to. In my experience, faith is like a muscle. We have to work it out and the more we do so, the more capable we are in ministering and co-operating with the Spirit of God.

Now if I live in this reality, that it is not by anything of me but by all that is of Him, I am safe in humility. It is when I fall into the thinking that I accomplish the things of God by my own means and my own giftedness that I fall into the temptation of pride and begin a painful journey of the flesh where I must learn that "God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble." (Proverbs 3:34)
The safest place is the humble place. It is when we are in humility we receive the grace of the Lord. This is the lesson I continually learn, and my prayer is this: "Lord, keep me in humility that I may forever receive your amazing, freeing grace!"

It is God to whom credit it due. Give Him the glory, give Him the praise!

Expectancy

Well, it's been a while since I have updated this little blog, mainly due to the fact I was able to share with many of you personally while I was home in August. There has been a lot going on in Brisbane since then, but I thought it would be cool to share about the latest happenings in our community.

Life is getting busy. We have the MAD DTS starting up today and the students will be arriving between now and then. We're doing our best to be prepared: cleaning, finishing our paperwork for student assignments, praying as a staff team, interceding, and also we are helping to launch a new ministry on our YWAM Base called EPIC (which is a youth ministry, reaching out to locals). Between my staff schedule, leading worship, and going into the city for evangelism the week gets pretty full.

One thing I have been seeking the Lord for is simply MORE. I want more of Him. More love, more signs and wonders, more prophetic words, more glory, more salvation. If it's of God, I want it. I've been praying quite consistently for the past 3 months for the MORE. Specifically, I've been wanting to see an active life of evangelism and worship where supernatural things occur. We go into the city to do treasure hunts (this is a type of evangelism that relies heavily on waiting on the Lord for guidance and then approaching people based on what is received from or felt from God) on Friday or Saturday night every weekend and we've had some success and some failure with that. To be honest, I had been growing a little disappointed. It seemed that whether I prayed my guts out or not there was little results to be seen. Nonetheless, in all of my quiet times I had felt God provoking me and challenging me to be expectant with Him.
To expect is to regard something as likely to happen. The latin root for the word means 'to look out'. I believe this word describes the beginning of faith in Hebrews 11:1- "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."
Unfortunately, we sometimes confuse expectation with presumption.
To presume is unwarranted boldness, to take liberties or unjustified demands. The latin for this is "take for granted."

God's invitation into His heart is paved in faith. It requires that when we pray, we expect our prayers to be heard and activated. It requires that we stand in our place as sons of the Almighty God (see all of Romans 8, Ephesians 1,2, Galations 2:20) and with ours hearts before God to offer our lives as living sacrifice in every aspect-- including that which our flesh is most afraid of.
Much easier to say than to do.

We've gone into the city a few times. The 1st time we had 9 words of knowledge and only two people allowed us to pray for them-- one was healed the next week. The 2nd time we went into the city we had no luck-- no one would talk to us, we couldn't seem to receive anything from the Lord so we just prayed for the city.
We went in a few other times with little success, other than a little confirmation that we had heard God's voice and the feeling that God was pleased and excited that we were taking initiative.

The other day I was out in the park late at night praying to the Lord. I was struggling with disappointment in not seeing prayers answered and also just being let down by some friends around me. I cried out to the Lord in my moment of feeling totally alone and discouraged and He responded with this: "Satisfaction in me breaks the yoke of disappointment."
I was stunned. I had been more concerned in results than in intimacy.
I cried out for God. I worshiped Him. I opened my heart up to Him and I enjoyed the presence of my Father.

The next couple of days I noticed there had been a breakthrough. I wasn't burdened any longer! I was free to enjoy the Lord without feeling like a failure as a minister of Christ.
A couple of mornings later we gathered as a base to have our weekly morning intercession. One of my friends (who was leading the morning) asked if I could lead worship. I grabbed a guitar but wasn't feeling too ready. I was functioning on little sleep and small quiet time in the morning. Luckily, God is bigger than whether I am tired or well prepared.
We began to worship and I shared a word about expectancy-- Realizing that when we worship we are encountering the Risen Lord Jesus Christ. It is His Presence, it is His Holy Spirit. It is the Uncreated God inhabiting our praise.
Some people around the room began to respond crying for MORE of God.

As I was singing a song, I all the sudden became aware that healing was on God's heart. I saw a picture of my BLS leader's back being healed (as she had strained it and could barely move her body without feeling pain). I opened my eyes to see two girls praying over her. I shared another impression I received for someone's healing in the left part of their back, and someone raised their hand. We gathered around her. Another girl in the room went to a friend in the room and asked for prayer for her knees.
The presence of God was so strong in the room and I was overwhelmed with joy. I had to put my guitar down and let Amber (fellow MAD Staff) take over on piano and I just began to worship. God began to move. People were sharing words that brought freedom and life with one another and at the end of the meeting two of the three girls who were prayed for testified to the healing power of Jesus!

I was walking home later that night and realized, "This is only the beginning."
I cried out for more, and I am still crying out for more.
The great thing is, the Lord hears and responds to our cries.

On the Move.

It's been two and half weeks since I've returned to Brisbane after studying in the School of Worship with YWAM Perth. The day I returned I was met with the warmth of my friends who have become my family and also another new arrival on our staff team-- my friend Bonner Wolf (cool name, yeah?).
Bonner and I met last year as he was doing a Beach to Bush Discipleship Training School (DTS) led by one of my dear friends, Adam Marshall. We immediately connected. We both are passionate about worship and living out the principles of the kingdom of God. We both desire to be transformed into the likeness of Christ and see the nations come to the revelation of the salvation and complete Lordship of Jesus. Plus, he plays lots of music and sings a fair bit too. Good match.

I jumped right into the flow of the YWAM Brisbane life. I began with doing some training on how to assess and faciliate different activities for the up-coming MAD DTS. It was kinda boring, but necessary for government reasons so I'm in!
Bonner and I were asked to lead worship on the 'Open Meeting' we hold every first Wednesday of the month. We were stoked!
We spent some time in prayer and picked out some different songs, as per usual. During worship I saw there was a lot of 'heaviness' in the group. Although, the Lord was moving in my heart strongly, there wasn't breakthrough to the presence of God corporately. We finished worship, one of our guest speakers gave a message and when the ministry time began we jumped back to our instruments. We knew the evening wasn't over.

Most people left the meeting with the exception of 13-15 people. Bonner, Noah and I began to worship as the few before us began to receive ministry and come before God asking for His Father heart revelation. This is where the breakthrough was. Before we knew it, the Holy Spirit swept us away into His sweet presence. God began to speak through us and we spontaneously sang the Father's heart over His children. Some wept, some simply embraced God's presence by giving their whole heart to Him or lifting their voice in prayer.

Fast forward to the next Monday. I was leading worship for the community, this time with a new crew. I asked my friend Adam (see a few paragraphs above) to lead out in prayer and facilitate any sort of words, pictures or scriptures the community might receive from the Lord. Worship began much the same as the Open Meeting. Heavy. This time I was prepared for it. I kept singing. Louder. Harder. Putting my whole being into the song. Letting my heart overflow into the songs we sang. A few words were shared by the response of the community was small, at best. At one point one of our students confessed to struggling with addiction and the absolute hopelessness he felt in battling it. We surrounded him in prayer and then joined in a Hillsong chorus, "Chains be broken, lives be healed, eyes be opened-- Christ is revealed." This went on for some time, and there was a distinct corporate presence of God at work in the community. We all joined in a few more songs and then ended and moved on with the morning.

Later that day, Bonner, Adam and I were worshiping-- seeking the Lord in prayer and song. Earlier that morning God has spoken to Adam to take up intercession for the base. We were going to meet every morning. So we did. And sometimes in the afternoon too. Over the two weeks Bonner and I frequently encountered the Lord sharing glimpses of His incredible heart for YWAM Brisbane, for us, for the nations, for the city around us.. and it was absolutely breathtaking to see even the small things that the Lord was doing.
In the mornings as we sought the Lord in prayer, we found God was rising up in us a warring spirit. We prayed hard, we worshiped hard, holding nothing back-- exactly as He deserved.

Fast forward to Thursday night. We decided to make Thursday nights an 'Encounter God' night. No agenda, no program-- just coming before the Lord and offering our hearts in prayer and worship. Once again, Noah, Bonner and I were leading the worship. This time Bonner and I had spent the afternoon seeking the Lord and we received a lot of scriptures. We declared them over each other and the community and as we focused on God and we received a few glimpses of His heart for the evening. It can be summed up in this: Surrender.
Not going to be easy.

And it wasn't. As soon as people started filing into the room we felt the heaviness creep back in. We felt squashed with the darkness. But of course, we began the worship knowing that all it takes is for the Lord's light to come in and all darkness flees.
I worshiped. I prayed. And the Lord showed Adam and I a bit of what was going on. Really, we were just waiting for the Holy Spirit to do something, because we don't really have it in our flesh to conjure up anything powerful. We prayed and prayed and slowly we saw people start to enter in. Then it happened-- what we had been waiting for, praying for-- the Presence of God fell. The Lord spoke to a few in the room about fear, some about the Spirit of God wanting to erupt and Adam brought focus to the Lordship of Christ. God spoke and said He wanted to release His spirit. I followed Him and repeated what He had given me. Maybe 7 people step forward. Andy, Adam, Bonner and I begin to pray all it once inviting the Holy Spirit in. And then something miraculous happens: chains break, lives are healed, promises are spoken, love is bestowed on the frail and week. God is on the move.
Bonner and I shared a few words and even as we all began to pray and lift up the Lord, His spirit moved within us in marvelous ways.

Then we went deeper. Bonner and I shared about a song we wrote: "Receive your reward, Lamb of God! You deserve it all, Lamb of God!" And everyone took the knee. We bowed before the Lord, surrendering our hearts, some for for surrendering once again and some for the first time. This is where the greatest love of God was poured out to us and also His heart for the nations.
He spoke, we obeyed and He moved.
After only two days of prayer, we saw an outpouring of the Holy Spirit to His people who were bound by fear, chained by circumstance and hopeless without vision. He broke through in a moment and was able to capture the hearts of all His children with just one glimpse of His glory.
How great is our God?

At the moment, we are still praying every morning, seeking in the afternoon in spontaneous worship and in the evening finding God in our secret place with the Father because we know the Lord is wanting to go deeper, show more of Himself and equip us to take His gospel to a lost and broken world.

God is on the move.

Compassion and Holiness

There have been two main things that every lecture, worship session and pray time have pointed back to through this incredible journey on the School of Worship. Compassion and Holiness. 

It's important to note that 10 weeks ago, I was unaware of the absolute necessity to a missionary's life these to aspects of God's heart are. In fact, it's safe to say that I gave little thought to compassion and I treated holiness, or the fear of God, as a motivation rather than a consistent exercise of faith. 

Compassion. If you're like me, this word conjures up guilty feelings. I think of the times when I had been watching Friends when I was younger, for 3 straight hours on TV and then a commercial would come on about orphans in Africa or a commercial about aids, or something to do with a global injustice that seemed extremely distant from my small teenage life. My response: Turn the channel. Those commercials were painful to watch. And why were they painful? Because deep within me I knew that something needed to be done and despite the excuses I came up with, God's heart was with them.  

"We need to be seriously disturbed by things that God is disturbed by," John Bills (a YWAM global leader, teacher, and missionary) says. He talks about compassion according to scripture as something entirely different than pity. Compassion demands action. The greek word for compassion means 'with suffering'-- and it is in essence, opening yourself up the suffering of another person and allowing your heart to connect. But God's compassion means that He feels entirely the suffering (and probably much, much more) of the individual and then He seeks to respond in an action. For us, it means to join with God in prayer. From the place of prayer God may move us to go a step further: give money, resources, skills, teaching, or maybe our life to a cause or a person. 

This message of compassion came to me on day 2 of the School of Worship. My heart's response was a prayer of help: 'God, I want your heart. I open myself up to you, and I want to be seriously disturbed by what disturbs you. Give me your compassion.'

I can't tell you how many times the Holy Spirit pointed to this message over the following 9 weeks! He kept bringing us back this place- LOVE OTHERS. GIVE YOURSELF TO MY PEOPLE. LOOK ON YOUR NEIGHBORS WITH COMPASSION. 

Many times in worship we were broken over some of the disasters in Burma and in China and at times we were broken over the lost. 

Until about 8 weeks ago I absolutely hated evangelism. I still find street evangelism incredibly uncomfortable, but I am overwhelmed by the Father's heart for His people. This amazing love that He has for us all, compels me to go and have a few awkward conversations just for the opportunity that God may use me to reach one of His loved ones. 

Holiness. Here's another one of those words that conjures up guilty feels, as it should, actually. I think of the failures recent and past, even after times of victory. I think of the path before me which is certainly not an easy one. I could probably write pages on this subject, because this part of God may have been the most impacting thing of all I have received here, but I will only write of one or two things that have grabbed me. 

To put it simply: God is Holy. Without sin. Pure. No blemish, no wrong, no temptation to do evil. 'Holy' means set apart-- He is set apart from evil-- there is no darkness in Him, and He is full of light.

Now, when I pray the prayer, "God I want to be close to you. I want to know you in the most intimate of ways."-- I am actually asking for conviction. To come close to a Holy God means I have to be made holy. I've mentioned before God's convicting work feeling similar to that scripture in Malachi 3-- Where it speaks of conviction as the refiner's fire, and the launder's soap. The implications of this are amazing: it's not easy to give up sin. In fact, it conviction causes us to give up what we want-- to 'die' to our sinful desires and fleshly wants so that we can have a greater capacity to receive God's love. You see, God's love is for us %100-- all of the time. I can receive the fullness of it at any point. The only thing that changes is my capacity to receive His love-- which is holiness. It is fearing the Lord. It is to hate sin. It is to delcare war against my flesh and my emotions and to choose to fellowship with the truth and the light, that is found in Jesus. 

Another thing that has struck me-- Apathy leads to death. We took a look at some certain occasions in the Old Testament where it looks like God was really harsh with His people. At one point, He consumes Aaron's two sons with holy fire because they did a procedure wrong in the Tent of Meeting. At another point, He kills Uzzah for trying to steady the Ark of the Convenant. There are plenty of explanations as to why God's wrath would be against these people in these events, but the explanations relate to one root problem-- The Israelites invited a Holy God into their midst and then dealt with Him passively, apathetically. God deserves nothing but the BEST (see the story of Cain and Abel..). My passivity is an insult to His grace to me. 

Here's another way of looking at it. Most people have a problem with God because they think He is apathetic. A non-believer's first argument against the gospel: "If God is so loving, why are there people starving in Africa?" They think He is up sitting on His throne watching the world ruin itself and that He has little care for man kind.

This is not so! We who know Him, know this to be true. God is intensely, intimately involved in every moment, every area and every part of every person's life. He is always there. All the time. The Psalms say, He knows us from when we were  conceived in the womb and He knows the number of hairs on our heads! This is the God we serve. He hates injustice. He hates how poverty destroys His people while there is more than enough wealth and food to benefit all man-kind. He hates sin and what it does to people. Yet, he honors free choice. He WANTS to use us to be the answer, and to be the very hands and feet of our prayers. 

Apathy and passivity towards life, people, work-- it is opposite of what God is. It belongs to the enemy. This has been the largest battle that I have fought for that past 10 weeks. I have recognized so many areas in my heart that I have become apathetic in: relationships, chores, even at some points prayer meetings or worship times. Once the Lord showed me, apathy is the first step towards sin. As soon as I let my guard down and entertain any kind of temptation I have begun the fall into sin. 

Compassion and Holiness. 

To feel as God does, involving myself with those hurting around me and to live a life passionately at war against sin and destruction, in reverence, and in fearing God.

Provider

Right now I am on the Western coast of Australia. Through an amazing set of circumstances I received provision from God to pursue a dream that was birthed in my heart more than a year ago-- to attend the School of Worship with the intention of pioneering that very school in YWAM Brisbane. 

I'll tell you the truth, over the past few months I was really struggling with the fundamental question that every person on earth will face at one point in their life, christian or not: "Is God who He says He is?" I am told He is good. I am told He is Father. I am told and I read in scriptures these things, and even that He determines the steps of my life as I make plans in my heart (Proverbs 16:9). 

The basis of this struggle came when my outreach team, which originally consisted of 8 people, only departed from Australia with 6 people. We left two of our friends behind because they had not seen God provide for them despite the prayers and confidence that He would. As the leader, I was torn-- I have never seen this happen in YWAM: people not going on outreach solely because of funds (I've found since then, this is an issue in YWAM Global). Our base leaders told us story upon story of God coming through in the unlikeliest of times and in the last minute, and yet we saw no such miracle. 

On my outreach another question that plagued me was this: If God would not provide for my students, will He provide for me? At the time, I had planned to leave to Perth, Western Australia to attend the School of Worship but I needed about $4,000+ to do so. Coming back from Japan, I must confess, I was filled with doubt and unbelief that God would come through for me. I tried my best to raise funds myself, but I really had no time as I was on the road doing local outreach. And coming down to a few weeks before the school would start, I turned to the Father with a prayer of confession. I told Him I didn't believe, but I sincerely wanted to. I told Him I wanted to know Him as my Father. And what do I know of fathers? They are protectors, they are supporters, they are providers and they are releasers. So I appealed to the Lord again and again, and gradually the doubt began to fade, but I think there was still a slight feeling of anxiety over the whole issue. 

Fast forward a few weeks: I brought my needs to the community of YWAMers I live with and they collectively pledged to give me half of what I needed. Somewhere around $2,300.. But I still needed to see almost $2,000 come through in just 3 days. 

I prayed.

Fast forward a few days: Wednesday night a student named Tehillah comes to me and hands me $20 and says to me, "Kelly, I just want you to know that I was praying for you and the Lord told me that you're supposed to be in Perth doing this School of Worship. He told me that you are going." And it was in that moment, a promise was spoken out through my dear sister and all doubt left my heart. I really believed that my Father had heard my cries.

The next morning my parents woke me up at 5:00am to tell me that an anonymous donation of the EXACT amount of money that I needed had been given to me and that I should begin packing my bags! 

I didn't even know what to say. I was at a loss for words.. And yet, my whole being was in awe of God's goodness to me. 

When I told my friends on base, everyone rejoiced with me. We jumped up and down screaming, "The Lord is Good!" 

Now, I am in Perth by the blessing and favor of God. I can really say that I am living in the grace of God, because if it weren't for Him  I would not be here.. For the first few days of being here, I was taken back by this startling revelation; I was overwhelmed by this expression of love from the Father to me. 

I must say though, beyond the financial blessing that found it's way to me I have been more blessed by the Lord's heart to me in this time. I wasn't amazed so much that money was given to me, but that the money was given to me for the sole purpose of God drawing me closer to Himself. I wasn't so astonished that He provided for me, but that in the way He DID provide for me He showed a depth of love and mercy to me that chased out all the doubt and fear in my heart. 

And since being here, there has not been a dull, worthless day. Each day has served it's purpose in bringing me in step closer to Him. I explained to one of my friends in Brisbane, "It's like each day has a new movement of God entirely different than the one before it." 

The 1 overriding theme for this time in Perth that the Lord has revealed to me is "Transformation." And that takes it's form in the purifying of my heart through the conviction of sin, the challenges God has placed before me to begin living out in His ways, the encounter and engagement between God and I, and of course the renewing of my mind by His Holy word. 

I am truly a blessed man to be living here, exactly in the place He prepared for me, receiving His heart for me in this time.

Thank you for your prayers and support.

God bless,

Kelly Arndt